The Alien in My Butt - A Short Story

Chanon

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So I was going back through my Facebook notes and found one I had written before my Pilonidal Surgery back in January. I had a good laugh reading it again and thought some of you might get a kick out of it, so here it is, copied and pasted. Enjoy!

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The Alien in My Butt

It's been a long while since I've posted anything of subtance here, so I've decided to relay to you all the story of the alien in my butt. I'm going to warn you, this story is not for the faint of heart, so if you get quesy at the thought of, oh, say, aliens coming out of people's butts, you may want to turn away...now.

For those of you still with me, some of you may be hearing the story for the second or third time. What is wrong with you? You really want to hear about my butt alien AGAIN?!?! Good god!

Moving on...

The saga of the butt alien began a week or two before December 11th. I noticed a slight pain in my tailbone which was alleviated whenever I sat up more straight. Assuming that the pain was caused by bad posture, I proceded to sit like a well-behaved virgin Catholic school girl at all times. Unfortunately, the pain grew to the point that even good posture wouldn't help, so I cursed at the Gods of Posture for wasting my time and made an appointment to see a chiropractor, who proceeded to contort me in all kinds of insane shapes to relieve the pressure I was feeling.

Little did I know all this time while I was experiencing this tailbone pain, that in reality, there was a baby alien growing inside of me, perhaps gnawing on my tailbone as a chew toy as it teethed in the womb, preparing for a birth into the world as a fully developed adult.

But I digress...

I thought the stuff the chiro did would just take time to work, so I sat around for a day waiting for it to get better. The morning of the 11th, though, I realized that something was very, very wrong. I was in so much pain I could not sit at all, nor lie on my back, and when I looked in the mirror, I could see the shape of an ALIEN HEAD poking against the skin at the top of my buttocks.

I immediately went to the ER, where they proceeded to poke the alien, who then bit my tailbone in anger, which made me scream and cry a lot. They freaked out, realizing that an alien invasion might be about to overtake the St. Thomian population, and decided to cut my butt open and try to kill the thing before it fully developed and tore its own way out.

Luckily, upon contact with Earth's atmosphere, the under-developed alien immediately broke down into liquid form. I know it was alive in its last moment, though, because it tried to jump out at the doctors when they cut me open and they had to duck to the sides quick to avoid the liquified nastiness. It took ten minutes to get the dead thing out of me, because it had been curled around the inside of my butt and had left its gross liquidated self on both sides of my buttocks. The thing stank like hell, but it was finally out.

The doctors were nice enough to give me some crazy ass painkillers that made me forget the laws of physics for a while, and told me to check in with a surgeon to take out the gauze they had stuffed into the hole the alien had left in my butt. A little bit of the gauze stuck out for easy removal, so I now had officially achieved my childhood dream to have a tail.

I got the tail removed a few days later, and checked in with a surgeon who said that since this was my first alien pregnancy, they didn't know whether it was a simple, one-time implantation directly into my tissue while I was unaware, or if it was a Pilonidal Cyst alien, which creates a womb inside people's butts for aliens to grow indefinitely. He said if no aliens ever grew again, that it was just a one-time implantation, and to stop snooping around Area 51 and the CIA website. If it was Pilonidal, though, another alien would start to grow, and we would have to cut that one out and then do surgery to remove the alien uterus inside of me.

Well, guess what? A week later, lucky Shannon was noticing a new pain in her ass, and noticed that her butt was red and swollen again. She went to a clinic where this time, thank god, the local anesthetic worked and she didn't feel a goddamn thing as they squeezed the alien out. They then called the surgeon and warned him that I definitely had an alien uterus inside me and that aliens would keep growing unless he did something. They stuffed me full of gauze and gave me a tail again, and the next day I went to see the surgeon again.

The fucker pulled my tail out without warning me, which sucked like hell, but after checking out my hot, alien-free ass for a moment, he made reservations for me in a nice hospital OR with promises to come visit, serenade me, and cut my ass open to get the alien uterus out.

So, think of my and my unborn alien children on the 23rd, or don't, but just don't come looking for me :p
 

paranoydRG

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haha, that was too funny!
I think it's awesome that no only were you not ashamed of your pilo, but you actually posted about it!
Everyone at my work and extended family think I have had a back problem for the better part of 2 years- couldn't bring myself to tell people the truth haha!
Good for you!
 

MaVeRiCk7

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Chanon, that was soo funny lol with the imagination you have I am surprised you are not an author.

How are thing? Have the pellets you have been taking helped?
 

cricket1

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thank u so much for posting this. i think we all can use a good laugh from time to time and u can't read that without laughing. thanks again.
 

Chanon

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You're all very welcome, hehe. I told my students (I was teaching at the time) and most co-workers that I had a back problem, as well, but the majority of my family and friends knew what the real deal was. I do enjoy writing very much, so it wasn't suprising to my friends that I posted a story to fill them in on the going-ons.

The homeopathy didn't work, unfortunately, Maverick. I'm just living with it for now; I'm lucky enough that I'm not in pain, and I'm grateful for that. Maybe one day I'll get fed up enough for another surgery, but we shall see.
 

MaVeRiCk7

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Well in that case Chanon I can't wait for you to get fed up as I want you to get the cleft lift closure. It is your only chance to get rid of this I know you don't have a surgeon in your area but to save your life what are you prepared to do to get rid of the pilo?

I am petrified of any kind of surgery but esp the cleft lift is more scary. But to save my life I am going to go ahead with it. As anyone on this forum or read my previous posts/threads I was reluctant when it came to the cleft lift I just didn't want to have any kind of surgery and look at me now.

It's up to you I obviously can't and definitely won't force you into any decisions but just don't make the same mistake as me.

Hope you heal without surgery and get this pilo sorted.
 

Boo...

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I'm just bumping this up for people to read over the Holiday month to try bring a little humour to our cyst filled lives :p
 

cricket1

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thanks boo! great idea!
 

Chanon

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Thanks for that bump a month ago, Boo. Bumping again because I just popped in and saw so many new people :)
 

Chanon

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And another bump, because I've been gone for way too long, and humility is not my strong point. Hi all!
 

vegankat

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I like the virgin catholic school girl posture part :)

Awesome!

I'm surprised that the chiropractor didn't figure out that you had pilonidal. I was originally diagnosed by a chiropractor in the really really early stages of having it.

Ah life. Crazy.

Thanks for the good read.
 

LivinWithIt

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Oh my gosh, I found it, this is me! I'm Chanon and I wrote this post 13 years ago when I was 23 years old. Wow.

I had the surgery, one where I got stitched up. Not long after healing, however, the cyst returned. Having seen the recurrence stories here in these forums and after losing my insurance, I resigned to self-management.

Surprisingly, after a couple years of draining and caring for it myself as needed, the cyst mystically stopped being an issue one day. I'm about to check this account's post history to see if I updated about that. I've been worry-free for maybe 10 years.

But of course, I'm back now. That familiar pain has returned, and I'm a little worried that all these healed years and perhaps the scar tissue are going to make this more difficult to manage than it used to be.

I'm especially bummed because I have a very full summer of activities planned, and this might throw a HUGE wrench in that to say the least. But who knows...maybe I'd be lucky if it only ruined my summer. (fingers crossed I'm not jinxing myself)

Glad the community is still here and love seeing some familiar user names. Hang in there, butt-buddies!
 
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