Pilonidal Humor

Pilonidal Cysts are not exactly a great source of yuks, but here are our meager offerings.. ..enjoy!

Laughter is the best medicine 😉

The Colo-Rectal Surgeon Song

Act 1

From Our Community

Things that our forum members have posted:

“You guys want to know what my parents named my cyst?!?! FESTER!”
“When I got home from my surgery on Monday morning – my dad had taped a huge sign on the front door saying “welcome home numb butt!!” ha hah :)”
“My hubby always has something rather amusing to say each time he changes my packing: “You ought to have the surgeon put a glass eye in that thing!”, or “The hole is getting too small for you to stash your junk food back there.””
“More people have seen my ass than a porno star”
“I was given the nickname TNT because sometimes I have a short fuse. My mom looked at me and said now you are really living up to your name you installed a wick!”
“To help with the dressing changes, I sew a long piece of floss on the packing. My hubbie calls me his pull-toy!”
“Every time my mom would pack my wound, she would say, “There’s a full moon out tonight!””
“But for all those who don’t know what to tell people, here’s what I say: I have a wild hair up my ass and had to get it surgically removed!”
“As for me, I always found it easier to break into a conversation about my cyst by replying to a question about it by saying “It’s a pain in the ass.”
“When I had my surgery, part of the recovery was using the wound vac connected to me by a hose. So my older brother, started calling me ROBO-Joe. I told my wife that I should never get tired again since now I have battery backup!”
“Since my infection never seems to go away my boyfriend calls me the next biological weapon. He thinks I am going to cough once and everyone around me is going to drop dead due to the bacteria growing and multiplying by my cyst.”
“My husband refers to you all as my “butt buddies.” I keep telling him it’s the TAILBONE but “normies” just don’t understand.”
“I was always twice the A$$hole when I had my PC : )”

Act 2

Well, how about some “assicons”? Here goes:

(_!_) a regular ass
(__!__) a fat ass
(!) a tight ass
(_*_) a sore ass
(_x_) kiss my ass
(_X_) leave my ass alone
(_zzz_) a tired ass
(_E=mc2_) a smart ass
(_$_) Money coming out of his ass
(_?_) Dumb Ass

The Happy “Ending”: (_A Tail Tale: An Assiconical Account of One Man’s P-Cystic Experience.

The Abscess: (_@_)
The Lancing and Packing: (_#_)
The Removal: (_0_)
The Aftermath: (_:_)
The Happy “Ending”: (__)

Act 3

For our final performance: A story written by Fester, the disgruntled abscess of one of your fellow sufferers (the hilarious Penny Jo)…

“Hi guys, my name is Fester and I am at least 13 years old. I still live at home – a beautiful place in the north of England – more specifically in Penny_jo’s bum cleft. It’s a nice warm place where I feel safe and protected, sadly though the word on the street is that I will be kicked out at the end of next week if I don’t move out 🙁 I don’t know when I moved here but I met Penny_jo when she was 13. Unfortunately I was incorrectly introduced as a boil which clearly made the neighborhood angry as the local constabulary (anti-biotic squad) were dispatched to remove me from the area. So I pretended to leave and went into hiding for a few years, keeping myself busy making improvements to my home…an extension here….an extension there…lots of corridors joining them all up – you get the idea. After five years of hiding out I decided it was time to start leaving the house and showing myself, lucky for me this time I was left alone…but still no one asked me my name. Feeling lonely and dejected I tried my best to get Penny_jo’s attention by showing myself, leaving ‘gifts’ and following her around at every opportunity; sadly though I was ignored. We lived in this state for many years. I was very unhappy. Penny_jo was always shouting at me and was never nice – sure she kept me clean and bathed me but I could tell she thought it was a chore and not out of friendship – she certainly never introduced me to any of her friends or boyfriends!

Then my world was turned upside down last September…. I had left a lovely ‘gift’ for Penny_jo and her new boyfriend outside my house…it was a beautiful crimson red and there was loads of it. I don’t understand why, but when Penny_jo discovered it on her white skirt (!) she went mad, much madder than before – she swore that she was going to get rid of me and that she was fed up with me…me! the one who gives her all of these gifts just to be ignored for all these years! Three days later I found a certain Nirvana …I was finally introduced formally with my surname ‘Pilonidal Cyst’ by her doctor friend, but the happiness lasted only moments before I was hurled into oblivion and a deep depression on hearing the words ‘operation’ and ‘remove ‘…..after all these years she still wanted me gone! even now after a formal introduction! There and then I made the decision to move out.

Three months later and the dynamics of our relationship have changed, Penny_jo has given me a nickname (Fester), read a lot of my family history on this website and taken better care of me…she has also bought me a special cushion! She has even introduced me to a few of her friends…one is a doctor and another is a surgeon, she even has a friend who is a nurse! a strange coincidence but very lucky if she ever gets ill. I find it strange though that all her friends want me to move out too, and they prod and poke me about. I don’t really like it. I have resigned myself to the inevitable moving out day next week, before that though me and Penny_jo are taking a vacation to a nice hotel …I think it’s called ‘The Hospital’, snazzy eh?! Then after that I will move out. It will be strange not being together even though we have had a very emotionally draining relationship…but I can’t take this rejection anymore 🙁 I’ll send you all a postcard! Fester x “